There are many reasons why exes come back. In a nutshell, they come back for love, security, and validation.
But why would an ex come back after he said he will never get back together with you?
I know you might not be interested in knowing why exes come back, as long as he is back in your arms.
I only ask you to hear me out so you know the reasons your ex dumper might/has come back.
The information provided in this article will hopefully change your perspective on this matter.
Why do exes come back
After studying dumpees’ and dumpers’ behavior day in, day out, I can confidently proclaim that exes come back for all the wrong reasons you can think of.
Instead of indulging in a heartwarming moment when your ex dumper knocks on your doors and exclaims he’s made a mistake, you should be asking yourself the following questions:
- What has gone wrong in my ex’s life?
- Is he sick, depressed, lonely, bored, tired of looking for love?
- Did he just get rejected, dumped, or perhaps did the dumping himself?
- Could he be here to use me to validate himself and feel better?
- He knows I “love” him, so he’s come back for seconds. Why wouldn’t he leave again? What’s changed for the better?
There’s no easy way to tell if he’s come back for the right reasons. Asking him the above questions directly is going to manifest positive answers you expect to hear from him.
This doesn’t mean they are genuine though. They are most likely true to some degree, but not completely.
If he said he came back to you because he doesn’t love his new partner or feels incredibly depressed without you, chances are you would reject him.
Instead, he would say he misses you, and that he only sees the future with you.
Exes come back for themselves, not you!
When the dumper comes back, it’s nothing like when you first met him. Back then, he was ecstatic and excited to share his life with you. He was full of joy and charisma.
This time, there’s a darkness of solitude in him. In contrast to when you first started dating, he is now at your front door solely to help himself, and no longer you.
Don’t let his empty promises deceive you. He will do anything to prove his loyalty to you because he is experiencing extreme sadness and dissatisfaction with his life.
If life has taught me anything, it’s that people don’t act before they absolutely have to. Your ex acts out of anxiety, which is fear.
The need to feel valued is so big, the dumper will cross deserts to feel safe again. Subconsciously, he knows he has to do something to fill the void, so you become his next victim.
He will tell you everything you want to hear. He will say he loves you, can’t live without you, needs you, and has to have you.
Is the dumper lying, you ask? No, he’s telling the truth. He needs you for his own selfish benefits. He would never beg for you to take him back if he were happy and content with himself.
When you get back together with your ex that has abandoned you cold-heartedly, know that instead of having a gleeful person, you now have a wounded soldier.
He’s the wound, and you’re his bandage.
What is my ex thinking?
When your ex leaves you, and you beg him to be with you, his ego increases so much he thinks he can have you back whenever he wishes.
You essentially become his safety net – the back-up plan so to speak. So when things go south on his end, he is first going to think of you and leech off you for emotional support.
Your ex, like most humans, is powered by emotions. He wants to feel safe and secure in his life. The easiest way for that to happen is for him to think back in time when he didn’t feel what he feels when he wants you back.
He is thinking to himself, “I have to do something to ease my anxiety. I will talk to my ex and see if she will take me back. She can take my problems away like she did in the past, so I really have nothing to lose.”
Your ex is in a very selfish state of mind. He wants what is best for him, and will do so regardless of his moral standards.
And because your ex is in the “me” mentality, he will always prioritize his own well-being over yours, so please pay attention to this. His demeanor is definitely going to appear inauthentic and extremely sweet.
When someone showers you with compliments and attention for no apparent reason, he does so because he seeks something from you.
Normally, this person expects in return exactly what he gives. He wants you to reciprocate on the same or higher level, which again proves he’s doing it for himself.
My ex has come back because he wants me to feel better
Relationships are meant to work on give-take dynamics. When someone decides to take and take and take from you without giving anything sincere and genuine in return, you have a big problem.
The best way to tell whether your ex’s intentions are genuine is to observe his behavior over a long period of time. People – especially your ex have a short fuse when it comes to patience and sincerity.
My guess is not many people will be able to fake their real selves for more than a few weeks. People have a tendency to fall back into their comfort zone and forget what their fake persona looks like.
So if you suspect your ex isn’t being his regular self, be patient and wait long enough to see your ex’s real colors.
You might be surprised when you realize that he hasn’t changed at all.
What should I do when my ex comes back?
There are many things you should be aware of before accepting your ex back. Be careful how you allow this person back in your heart.
If you just open the doors fully and let him walk in as if nothing happened, chances are he is going to walk back out again when he feels better.
The reason for that is that he hasn’t had to invest in you again. He entered the relationship with the purpose to heal himself.
If you want the most out of the relationship, I strongly advise you to make your ex work hard to keep you. You can do so by showing him you won’t tolerate his ungrateful behavior the second time around and transform into a person with high self-esteem.
When should I take my ex back?
I am personally not a huge advocate of getting back together with your ex.
Most of the reasons why I don’t support reconciliations are directed strongly at dumpers.
Some of these reasons are being treated badly post-breakup: Ignoring, disparaging, talking badly, cheating, dating others, lying, deceiving, blaming and many more.
When your ex dumper treats you like a cockroach, he doesn’t just appear as a completely different human being. It’s not some temporary act of horror and drama, but rather him as a person. It’s who your ex actually is.
Before you got together with this person, please consider his post-breakup words actions.
You must remember that after the breakup, your ex showed you his true colors. Remember that if he treated you badly, he can do it again. All he needs for his demons to resurface is to stop caring about you again.
That’s why I personally believe in three separate occasions when getting back with an ex can be beneficial.
They are when:
- The breakup occurred due to physical distance and other uncontrollable factors.
- The couple lacked emotional intelligence and needed to spend time apart to be allowed to develop personal maturity (minimum 4 months apart).
- The breakup was or quickly became amicable.
It goes without saying that most ex-couples don’t speak very fondly of each other. Dumpers do it to justify their actions while dumpees do it to alleviate some of the pain and make themselves look better.
To dumpees, it’s therapeutic, while dumpers batter their exes to solidify their decision.
I would actually encourage dumpees to write down their exes’ bad traits and get angry for the way they were treated. Don’t ever withhold your sentiments as it could cause serious depression.
Instead, learn to project the feelings of grief and anger so that you can rejuvenate as quickly as possible.
What are your thoughts about your ex coming back to you? Have you given your ex another chance or are you willing to despite knowing he wants you back for all the wrong reasons? Comment below.
Related Posts:
- Do Exes Always Come Back?
- Why Some Exes Never Come Back?
- 7 Types Of Exes That Come Back
- Do Exes Ever Come Back After Dating Someone Else?
FAQs
Why does that one ex always come back? ›
It could boil down to a few different things. Maybe they genuinely miss you and want to get back together with you. Maybe their heart is broken from another relationship and they're using you as a rebound. Maybe they're manipulative and want to keep you interested even though they're never going to treat you right.
Does the dumper ever want the dumpee back? ›If you average all the reputable research on the ex recovery process and chances of getting your ex back, there's about a 43.5% chance your ex will come back without doing anything. Those aren't exactly betting odds. That means six out of ten times you're probably not going to get your ex back.
What percent of exes try to come back? ›While this may seem unusual, the pattern of returning to an ex-partner is actually quite common. By some estimates, 40-50 percent of people have reunited with an ex to start a new relationship (Dailey et al., 2009).
Do exes come back if the relationship was good? ›Yes, exes do come back. They do it all time. We conducted a study and found that around 30% of people get their exes back after a breakup. But out of those 30%, only 15% stay together in a healthy relationship.
Why does silence make your ex come back? ›Radio silence simply refers to the act of being distant from your partner in order to make him come back to you. When done the right way, it allows your ex to miss and crave you more. It reaffirms and reawakens the feels he has for you, compelling him to come back.
What are the signs that my ex is coming back? ›- 1 They leave your number unblocked.
- 2 They're sad weeks after the breakup.
- 3 They're active on your social media.
- 4 They haven't returned your things.
- 5 They keep in touch with your friends and family.
- 6 They initiate contact regularly.
- 7 They reminisce about the past.
Dumpers remorse refers to the regret, ambivalence, and general discomfort someone feels after breaking up with someone. Not everyone goes through this experience, but it's extremely common.
How do you know if a dumper regrets? ›- They begin to communicate with you.
- They apologize for the breakup.
- They show more affection.
- They discuss issues in their present relationship.
- They try to atone for past mistakes.
- They show pessimism when you tell them someone else is involved.
- They stalk you.
Generally speaking, some dumpers regret their decision to break up only weeks after the incident. Other dumpers need years to feel that way. And some never even arrive at the final stage of dumpers remorse. Instead, they move on to someone else — be it a rebound or not.
Can breaking up strengthen a relationship? ›Although ending a relationship can be painful, a separation can give a couple space to work on personal issues that have been harming the relationship. 'It can help individuals reassess their priorities, helping them to know more about what they would like to get out of a relationship,' says Fredrickson.
How often do exes try again? ›
How many exes get back together. According to much research, about 40 to 50 percent of couples get back together after a breakup. While this is positive, many factors determine the chances of getting back together after a breakup.
How often do exes reunite? ›A study of 3,512 people found that only 15% got back together with their ex. Another 14% briefly reunited only to break up, and a whopping 70% called it quits for good after their break-up.
How do you know your ex will never come back? ›Key Pointers. Your ex may not be coming back if they show signs of complete avoidance. Blocking you on social media platforms, enjoying life without you, and not showing interest in your current relationship are a few signs. Focus on yourself and move on instead of holding on to them.
When should you not take your ex back? ›...
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
- Did your ex criticize you?
- Did you feel a lack of support from your ex?
- Did you feel uncomfortable, pressured or afraid?
- Did you feel unseen and unheard or disrespected?
- Did that person complain about you or handle conflict poorly?
Today we're going to talk about exactly how long it usually takes for an ex to miss you after a breakup. In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.”
Why silence is the best revenge? ›Silence speaks volumes
Believe it, the silence and zero reaction really bothers your ex, and they consider it as the best served revenge. Nothing creates more curiosity than silence. Your ex would expect a vent or an angry rant from you, but don't give in. If you do, you are meeting their expectations.
The silent treatment puts a man in heightened anticipation. It shows you aren't afraid of little distance or break in a relationship. He doesn't know your whereabouts or how you feel.
Why is silence so powerful? ›Being silent allows us to channel our energies. It gives us the clarity we need to calmly face challenges and uncertainty. The hour of silence I practice each morning, and encourage you to practice as well, can be a time for collecting our thoughts, training our minds, and deciding how we want to enter into the day.
How do you know if a breakup is temporary? ›- You haven't moved on. ...
- You still hang out together. ...
- They've been sending you mixed messages. ...
- You're learning how to communicate with your ex. ...
- They reminisce with you. ...
- They reach out during trials. ...
- They ask about you through friends. ...
- You have both been working on your issues.
If your ex is trying to contact you, or maybe even trying to speak to you at weird hours, then it might be a sign they still think about you. Another big sign is social media. If they somehow didn't get rid of you via an unfriending or straight block, it might mean they miss you.
Do dumpers miss us? ›
In most cases, if you give your ex enough space, they will at some point miss you. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to get on their hands and knees and beg for you back. For some the “missing emotion” can be fleeting. For others, all consuming.
Do dumpers ever suffer? ›It may seem cold if they seem like they don't care at you at all but our research has found that isn't entirely true. Dumpers do hurt just like dumpees but they have a different way of processing the grief than you do because they view relationships in a different way fundamentally.
How long does dumpers remorse last? ›Your ex is so blindsided by the novelty of being in a new situation that he 100% feels he's made the right decision. What is this? This stage in the dumpers regret timeline tends to brief. It often only lasts a few weeks to up to a month.
What silence does to the dumper? ›Silence after being dumped keeps the dumper totally confused. Being dumped by silent treatment will make your ex lose any sense of power they thought they had. Even if your ex was the one who decided to part ways, your sudden absence is going to make them re-evaluate things as they stand.
How do you know if a guy is heartbroken? ›If he avoids seeing you at all costs even though it is important, it is one of the signs he is heartbroken over you. He knows that when he sees you, the memories will come flooding, and it might be too much for him to handle. Also, he would ensure avoiding places where you are likely to show up.
Does the dumper miss the dumper? ›Does the dumper ever miss their ex? In most cases, if you give your ex enough space, they will at some point miss you. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to get on their hands and knees and beg for you back. For some the “missing emotion” can be fleeting.
Who moves on faster after a breakup? ›There's a reason for this, according to new data from Match's Singles in America survey: Guys just get over breakups faster. Match surveyed more than 5,000 men and women and found that half of dudes are over a rejection in a month, while the average woman takes four months to get over it.
Should Dumpee ever contact dumper? ›Today we're going to talk about if the dumpee should ever contact the dumper after a breakup. The quick and short answer: Yes, in fact I'd encourage it but only if a certain set of criteria is met. And that's what this article is about, showing you the criteria in which the dumpee should contact the dumper.
Will no contact make her move on? ›If no-contact lasts and you don't chase after her, a woman is likely to move on from the relationship. She'll be able to focus her attention on herself, as she will come to learn that she can be happy without you. On the other hand, the no contact rule for women isn't always permanent.
Can time apart save a relationship? ›Taking time apart can allow you both to think about the issues in your relationship, cool off, learn new coping strategies, and come back together with a different lens or perspective that can be difficult to have when you're together and actively fighting through your issues.
Does absence make the heart grow fonder? ›
It's long been taught by the book of love, but now scientists suggest that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder, particularly when it comes to intimacy.
Do relationships ever work out after a break? ›Many relationships can recover from taking a break and actually turn out to be stronger than before, but that is not always the case. If you and your partner are unable to set clear boundaries and rules in the beginning, or are unable to stick to those things during the break, then your relationship might not make it.
How many exes is too many exes? ›According to a survey, 10 really is the perfect number. Researchers found that both men and women were put off potential new partners who have had more than 10 partners – as they were seen as promiscuous. Both men and women said that 10 lovers was the right “goldilocks” answer.
How common is it to hook up with an ex? ›Research has shown that nearly a quarter of adults who've gone through a marital separation have had sex with their former partner, and other studies have found even more newly broken up young adults have gone for it.
How often do exes come back after no contact? ›If the relationship was good and the breakup response was decent by no contact being implemented soon enough, the odds are about 70%. So the best-case scenario of the No Contact Rule is a 70% success rate in getting an ex back.
How to make your ex miss you? ›- Do Not Try To Contact Them. ...
- Do Not Receive Their Calls And Respond To Their Texts. ...
- Reinvent Yourself. ...
- Meet New People And Make New Friends. ...
- Talk To Their Friends. ...
- Check Out The Outside Dating World. ...
- Take A Vacation. ...
- Be Active On Social Media.
Your ex has not responded to your last five attempts to start a conversation. They've been with someone new for longer than 8 months. You've been on a “hard block” for longer than 3 months. You have broken the no contact rule more than 8 times.
How do you know if it's worth getting back together? ›If you're unsure whether it's worth it to rekindle your romance, there are ways you can tell, says a therapist. Discuss how you've grown since your breakup and address the reasons you broke up. Consider whether you want your ex back for comfort, or if they add something to your life you can't find anywhere else.
What should you not do to your ex? ›- Don't contact your ex. ...
- Don't leave any communication open. ...
- Don't stalk their social media accounts. ...
- Don't remain friends on social media. ...
- Don't ask your mutual friends about your ex.
The no-contact rule refers to cutting off all contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media.
How does no contact affect a man? ›
The male mind during no contact
The no-contact rule male psychology forces him to recognize his loneliness. After a breakup, if you stop contacting him, he will feel free and enjoy this phase as much as he can. But, with time, the loneliness and guilt pang will start to kick in.
In most cases, if you give your ex enough space, they will at some point miss you. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to get on their hands and knees and beg for you back. For some the “missing emotion” can be fleeting.
How long does it take for dumper to miss you? ›How long does it take for the dumper to miss you in no contact? In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.”
How does the dumper feels when the dumpee doesn t reach out to them? ›Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don't want to be dependent anymore. Some Dumpers don't like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.
How does the dumper feel when the dumpee moves on? ›It depends on the "dumper". If they're controlling and abusive, they may be enraged that the person they were trying to break has gotten free from them. If they're insecure and emotionally fragile, they may feel hurt and even angry that they're so easily replaced.
How to make the dumper miss you? ›- Do Not Try To Contact Them. ...
- Do Not Receive Their Calls And Respond To Their Texts. ...
- Reinvent Yourself. ...
- Meet New People And Make New Friends. ...
- Talk To Their Friends. ...
- Check Out The Outside Dating World. ...
- Take A Vacation. ...
- Be Active On Social Media.
Dumpers have it easier during no contact than dumpees — they move through the breakup stages much faster, for starters. Still, there are also many similarities when comparing the experiences of the two. Dumpers may also want their ex back. They may also be looking for signs that they still have a chance.
Why does the dumper want no contact? ›Why does the dumper want no contact? They are signaling that they don't want to be dependent anymore. Some Dumpers don't like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back. This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.
What do men think during no contact? ›The male mind during no contact
The no-contact rule male psychology forces him to recognize his loneliness. After a breakup, if you stop contacting him, he will feel free and enjoy this phase as much as he can. But, with time, the loneliness and guilt pang will start to kick in.
The dumper normally feels extremely sad about ending the relationship but similarly as if they have no other choice.
How long does it take for someone to miss you without contact? ›
In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.”
Does dumper feel guilt? ›Guilt: Many times the person who ends a relationship feels intense guilt over causing harm to someone they care about.
How do you know if a breakup is final? ›- You feel better apart than you did together. ...
- Your friends and family haven't been the biggest fans of your ex. ...
- You've already moved onto someone else (or your ex has). ...
- Your relationship was short-lived. ...
- There is a clear misalignment of fundamental values and life goals.